I think that I’ve had an epiphany. I’m not a man of faith. As much as I might like to be, it just seems that my faith, or whatever you want to call it, just isn’t normally a driving force behind most of the things that I choose to do in life. Don’t’ get me wrong, I believe in a sovereign God that can, ultimately, be in control of every aspect of … everything. I just don’t feel that everything about me, or rather, the way I operate on the most basic of levels, should necessarily be so wrapped up in a spirit of mysticism.

I might compare it to a recent concert experience that I had. By recent I mean within the last few years or so. Some friends and I went to see my favorite musician play a show in Austin. I had decided before hand that I was going to bootleg the show so that I would have a video/audio reminder of the experience that I could keep and cherish and share with others. So I sat there in my seat with a camcorder in my hand. I essentially watched the whole show through a camera lens. So now I have a video/audio memory that is very tangible and neat. I can look back on it whenever I choose. I can dissect it and try to pick small details out of the musical notes that I hadn’t noticed before. But I wonder, did I enjoy the full experience of that concert? Since then, I’ve been fortunate enough to enjoy two more concerts of the same artist. This time I didn’t record them. I just sat (or stood) and enjoyed the sounds and the overall experience of the show. It was great. And my memory of those shows is sufficient.

I guess you could apply that to anything in life. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy taking pictures of my children and family and having them to look back on later, but where’s the balance? If I spent all of my time starring at a camera screen snapping pictures of my kids, wouldn’t I be kind of removed from it all at the same time. Almost like I was just observing life instead of living it. I think the same applies to spirituality for me. If I were to spend most of my time pondering different spiritual truths or theological theories, what might I be missing out on? I understand that some people choose to spend a lot of time thinking about stuff on a deeper mystical level and dissecting things in an effort to understand where God stands in it all, and i think that's fine, necessary even, it’s just not for me.

So what does this mean for me and my spiritual man (or lack thereof)? I don’t know. I just think that I’m probably not one of those guys that will struggle his whole life trying to understand God or spirituality or whatever. Does this mean that I’m a bad person? I don’t think so. Does it mean that I’ve given up on the living out of a Christ centered faith system? Not at all. For some reason, I’m comfortable with the idea of being an individual that is living life and loving others as if God were in control of it all anyway. Why sweat the details? I'm okay with saying "I don't know." Does this mean that I’m done talking to God? No. Does it mean that I’ve learned everything that I have to learn about God? Certainly not. I just don’t want to fight with myself anymore about who I am and what type of Jesus lover I’m supposed to be. After all, God made me this way.