I remember talking to my grandfather one time. We had somehow begun a conversation about religion and I, as usual, was trying my hardest to say the holiest things I could think to say while still remaining at least marginally relevant to the topic. This was a difficult task for me as I have a very limited arsenal when it comes to my ‘uber-christiany face-melting remarks’ stockpile. It’s like I was trying to drop an a-bomb with every statement I made. I imagined myself saying something that would leave him speechless. And then I would jump up and do a little dance and yell out the words of Ricky Bobby saying “What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That. Just. Happened!” Well, I didn’t drop any bombs but I felt like I had held my own up until I let slip a statement criticizing a rather well known (at least in the dirty south) televangelist. You know, the kind that struts around on a giant stage in the middle of a stadium while callin’ down fire and brimstone and sweating profusely on his three-thousand dollar suit as the five gallon collection buckets are making their umpteenth round. The kind of guy that peddles the self gratifying edit of the gospel by reciting the scripture that best serves his purpose while leaving out the rest. He’ll say things like “remember friends that in all thangs… Gawd… works for the gooood… of those that luv hiiim!” Notice how he leaves out the “and are called according to his purpose” part. Yeah, I let slip something along the lines of “that guy’s full of it…he’s probably laughing all the way to the bank, bouncing to some Jay-Z in his stretch lex.” Okay I took some artistic license just then but you get the picture. So I said something along those lines to which granddad responds “I think that anyone who says that he’s a phony is on the verge of blaspheming the holy spirit!” Whatever the hell “blaspheming the holy spirit” means, I have no clue but I’ve been told that it falls under the unforgivable category. At any rate, that shut me up pretty good.

I’ve thought back on that conversation many times. I guess I’ve tried to dissect the words and figure out what either one of us was talking about in the first place. As I think about it even now it occurs to me that we were just trying to one up each other. It was all totally selfish and laced full of self-gratifying motive. Essentially a ‘who’s the better Christian’ contest. Or more likely a ‘who’s the better grandson/grandfather’ contest. I felt bitter because I’ve always felt like I could never do right by him and, who knows, maybe he has the same thoughts about me. Either way, both of us were looking for a little pat on the back. Looking to feed the addiction. I’m talking about self-addiction.

Come to think of it, I’m sometimes afraid that my entire life, all the decisions I make, are fueled by the same ulterior motives. Almost as if my entire faith is just one big fix. It’s like I email God ever so often saying “Okay God, come on down here and lay a blessing on me. I’ve attached a list of options for you. Any of them will do fine. Thanks!” I mean, what is it that drives me? Cause it’s obviously not the overwhelming success of my plans so far. Am I really so stupid as to believe that I’m steering this vessel? I sometimes think that these selfish motives are the driving force behind almost everything that almost everyone does.

Now I want to start off here by saying that I really do believe that ‘it’s all relative.’ I can’t understand what I can’t relate to. It makes me think about the presidential candidates, past and present. I ask myself “Why the hell would anyone want to be president?” Mostly I say this because I believe that legislation can’t really solve any of the world’s big problems. And if that’s true, why would anyone run for president? Probably because they’re working some grand plan of theirs that will eventually lead to what they believe will be a great life. Do you ever wonder if Bill Clinton had it all figured out? He woke up one day and the light-bulb came on and he said “You know, if I can get elected president then I could probably drum up some great publicity that’ll pay off big in the end. Maybe I could get some intern to blow me and then when the country freaks out over it I’ll just play like I’m all remorseful and sex-addicted. Then some day I can write a book about it all and make a killing. Who knows, maybe there’s even a political career for Hillary in it too. And the best part is it’ll only take eight years tops and I’ll get a few blow job’s outta the deal. It’s gotta work! Bill you good lookin’ son of gun you are a goddamn genius!” Okay, well maybe that’s a little far fetched but it still makes me wonder. Why do they do it? If these candidates really cared about the issues they would just lay it all out there instead of dancing a jig and trying to get us all to fall head over heals, right? I don’t know.

Is anyone sincere? What’re their motives? What’re my motives? At my job I’m supposed to be focused on serving the students of the university. Am I really focused on the service? I’m definitely not doing it for the money. But why am I doing it? If I was truly focused on the students maybe I wouldn’t get all worked up when I feel like I’m being mistreated and screwed over by all the political bullshit that we’re all drowning in. It’s just another area of my life where my self addiction is having its way. There’re a couple of people that I work with that I think might be sincere and possessing a true servants heart. But then again maybe not. After all it all revolves around business. It all goes back to money. More money, bigger salary, climbin' the ladder.

So what are the ramifications of all this on my spiritual man? I’ve been thinking a lot here lately about the word “precepts.” In his book ‘Blue Like Jazz’, Don Miller says “I lay there under the stars and thought of what a great responsibility it is to be human. I am a human because God made me. I experience suffering and temptation because mankind chose to follow Satan. God is reaching out to me to rescue me. I am learning to trust Him, learning to live by His precepts that I might be preserved.” Oh Lord, how I want to trust. How I want to be preserved. How I want to live by your precepts.